WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move to modernize federal disaster response, the U.S. government today launched a new “Thoughts & Prayers+” subscription service, allowing Americans to automatically send condolences with one click every time tragedy strikes.
“Why waste precious seconds typing heartfelt responses when you can automate empathy?” said Homeland Sympathy Secretary Chad Grimshaw, unveiling the app alongside a golden emoji of praying hands. “Whether it’s a mass shooting, natural disaster, or devastating celebrity breakup, Thoughts & Prayers+ ensures you’re covered.”
For just $7.99 a month, users can choose from four tiers:
- Basic: Sends a standard “🙏 Thoughts and prayers” comment to news articles and Facebook posts.
- Silver: Adds auto-replies like “Heartbroken 💔” or “So sad this keeps happening 😔.”
- Gold: Uses AI to generate a personalized response and includes a sad face reaction on every tragedy-related post.
- Platinum Patriot: Includes a small American flag GIF and automatically blames the other political party.
“I used to feel guilty about not posting after every horrific event,” said influencer Brittney Shine, a beta tester of the service. “Now I can just vibe while the app does my moral labor for me. It even adds a candle emoji.”
The service is expected to be bundled with FEMA’s new “Disaster Prime”, which promises expedited grief processing and two-day emergency thoughts delivery.
Critics blasted the move as hollow and performative. In response, the White House issued a follow-up statement: “We hear your concerns. We’ve added a ‘Sorry You Feel That Way’ template to the next update.”
